Humor in Recovery

In order to determine if you are having a problem with lip balm addiction, please read through the self test below and read some testimony from former and current users of lip balm. You’ll see your own addiction in their testimony. Not all have fully recovered yet, but there is hope for all of them.

Lip Balm Anonymous Self-Test for Lip Balm Addiction

Do you ever use more lip balm than you planned?

Has the use of lip balm interfered with your job?

Is your lip balm use causing conflict with your spouse or family?

Do you feel depressed, guilty, or remorseful after you use lip balm?

Do you use whatever lip balm you have almost continuously until the supply is exhausted?

Do you ever wish that you had never taken that first application or hit of lip balm?

Do you have an obsession to get lip balm when you don’t have it?

Are you experiencing financial difficulties due to your lip balm use?

Do you experience an anticipation high just knowing you are about to use lip balm?

Without using lip balm, do you have difficulty sleeping without taking a drink or another drug?

Are you absorbed with the thought of getting coated even while interacting with a friend or loved one?

Have you begun to use lip balm while alone?

Do your lips, nose, or other areas hurt when you avoid Lip Balm?

Do you ever have feelings that people are talking about you or watching you?

Do you use larger doses of lip balm to get the same protection you once experienced?

Have you tried to quit or cut down on your lip balm use only to find that you couldn’t?

Have any of your friends or family suggested that you may have a problem?

Have you ever lied to or misled those around you about how much or how often you use?

Do you use lip balm in your car, at work, in the bathroom, on airplanes, or other public places?

Do you occasionally coat heavily after a disappointment, quarrel or rough day?

When under pressure, do you always use more heavily than usual?

Can you handle more lip balm now than when you first started using?

When using with others, do you try to have a few extra coats when they won’t know it?

Are there certain occasions when you feel uncomfortable if lip balm is not available?

When you start using, are you in more of a hurry to get the first hit than you used to be?

Are you secretly irritated when friends or family discuss your lip balm use?

Do you usually have a reason for occasions when you use heavily?

Have you tried to control your lip balm use by switching brands or following different plans?

Have you often failed to keep promises about controlling your lip balm?

Have you tried to control your lip balm use by changing jobs or moving?

Do you try to avoid family or friends while using?

Are you having an increasing number of financial and work problems?

Do more people seem to be treating you unfairly without reason?

Have you ever decided to stop using for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?

Do you wish people would mind their own business about your lip balm use–stop telling you what to do?

Is lip balm affecting your reputation?

Do you crave lip balm at a definite time daily?

Does lip balm cause you to have difficulty sleeping?

Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of lip balm?

Are you afraid that if you stop using lip balm your work will suffer or you will lose your energy, motivation, or confidence?

Do you spend time with people or in places you otherwise would not be around but for the availability of lip balm?

Have you ever stolen lip balm or money from friends or family?

Can you apply lip balm with one hand?

If you have answered Yes to any of these questions, you may have a lip balm dependency problem.

Testimonials

Kevin C. is the founder of Lip Balm Anonymous.

When I started to go without, it was hard. After a week passed and the cold shakes and throbbing pain in the lips subsided. After a two weeks I stopped carrying the Chap Stick tube in my pocket. After three weeks I rarely felt I wanted to use, and when I did it was easy to resist. Life became much clearer for me. The whole world seemed to have changed for the better, looking so much like paradise. I think being on the stuff really clouded my judgement. Now, I go though life with a sense of power and clarity that I feel like I can accomplish anything. Sure, it is frightening sometimes, but the strength I feel inside helps me when I am confronted by social use of lip balm.

At age 14, Heather W. is already in recovery!

I was a lip balm user. I had every flavor: apple, watermelon, vanilla, Dr. Pepper, Coke, pink lemonade, coconut (I cried when I lost that one) Jellybean, peanut butter, mint, mint chocolate chip, chocolate, milkshake, tropical fruit, mango, kiwi, apricot, apple cider, coffee, fudge brownie, gingerbread, shortbread, Carmex, cherry ice, Chap Stick, cherry, Avon, Soft Lips Sparkle Mint, bubblegum, pumpkin, Vaseline, pineapple, grape, lemon, orange, mandarin AND EVERY OTHER FLAVOR OUT THERE!!!!!! It all started when my neighbor became an Avon lady. I ordered every flavor there was. I was her best customer. Then we moved. So I resorted to Lip Smackers, Liplix, Carmex, Chap Stick, and most of all, Softlips. I also enjoyed the Body Shop and Bath & Body Works. Then one day, I said “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!! I AM IN DEBT, I GO INTO WITHDRAWS WITH OUT MY LIP BALM, I NEED HELP! (at least my lips were soft) So just like that I quit. I tossed my lip balms, only keeping a few, for the once a day gloss. I am now down to a $.99 Barney Children’s Lipgloss from Target. I use it only when needed. You can stop. I know you can. My only problem now are the many tubes of lipstick appearing in my house. All shades, shapes and sizes.OH NO. NOT AGAIN. HELP ME!!!! Let us ban together and get a warning label on these lip devices.

Did you hear there’s a new 12-step program for people who talk too much?

It’s called on-and-on-anon.

A new definition for 13th stepping….

Steps 1 + 12, “My life is unmanageable and I want to share it with you!”

How can you tell when two alcoholics are on their second date?

The U – Haul is in the driveway.

Do you know the difference between a terrorist and an alanon?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

W hat’s the difference between an addict & an alcoholic?

Either will steal your wallet, but the addict will spend all night helping you look for it.

A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, “I watched what you did and I don’t understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!”The drunk stated,” I’ve been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!”

Roy and Bill walk into a tavern at the same time. They step up to the bar and they each order a beer. As they strike up a conversation, they become quite excited:

Roy: Gee, you look familiar. Are you from around here?

Bill: Sure am. Lived here all my life. Grew up over on Barker Street.

Roy: Is that so. I grew up on Barker! What school did you attend?

Bill: I went to North Side Elementary and then Washington High School.

Roy: Same here! This is amazing. I graduated in 1946.

Bill: Now that is something. I graduated in ‘46 too! My home room teacher was Miss Arnold.

Roy. Well I’ll be. Miss Arnold was my home room teacher, too!!

Just then, the phone rang and the bartender answered. It was his wife. “Are there many customers today?”, she asked. “Naw”, answered the bartender. “The only people here are me and the Johnson twins.”

— Believing in God is easier than coming up with bail money!

— Our leaders are but trusted serpents.

— Our leaders are but twisted servants.

— Came to believe that our wives had become unmanageable.

— Please help me start this meeting with a moment of violence, followed by the serenity prayer!!

— Sought through prayer and medication to improve our concious contact with GOD.

— Came to believe that a powder greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.— and c) that God could and would if he were sober.

— Give us 90 days and if you like it your misery will be promtly refunded .

— We have friend who after listening to an inspirational speaker went to the speaker after the meeting to voice his appreciation and with a slip of the tongue said, “I want to SPANK you for speaking.”

— In describing ones feelings prior to recovery, one said, “I had a huge gut in my hole!”

— Thoroughly have we seen a person fail who has rarely followed our path.

— And the result was nil until we let go of the Absolut.

— Lest problems of money, puberty, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

— Made a searching and fearful moral inventory of ourselves.

— That feeling of usefulness and self-pity will disappear.

—Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or their mothers.

— God could and would if he wore socks!

— Rarely have we seen a person who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do, recover!

— We are like men who have lost their legs . . . we never have to buy a pair of shoes again.